Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services
A paid advertisement from Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services
Enter Blitzcrank. Yes, you heard me, Blitzcrank. But what on Runeterra could a steam golem have to do with dating? It turns out he could potentially solve all of your problems with just a few mathematic equations and a Valoran-wide network of magic machines. A little over six months ago, the Great Steam Golem traveled in-between League battles to purchase commercial sites and begin the construction of a chain of magically-outfitted cafés called Pairing Eligibility Reactors of Valoran. He built one of these in every major city, and also in minor outposts all across Valoran. Even Bilgewater now hosts a PERV in the middle of the market district. What exactly were these cafés for? I recently had the chance to interview Blitzcrank, and you’ll be surprised to hear what I found out.
FS: “So, Blitzcrank, you are an esteemed League champion and the favorite of many summoners. Why are you building all of these cafés across Valoran? And why are they called Pairing Eligibility Reactors?”
Blitzcrank: “THESE CENTERS SERVE AS MAGICAL HOTSPOTS WHICH ARE ALL CONNECTED IN REAL TIME REGARDLESS OF DISTANCE AND CAN TRANSMIT DATA BETWEEN EACH OTHER. I CALL IT “THE BLITZERNET”. THEY HOUSE MEMORY BANKS AND LOGICAL PROCESSING UNITS VITAL TO THE OPERATIONS OF BLITZCRANK’S FLESHLING COMPATIBILITY SERVICES WHICH WILL LAUNCH IN 6 DAYS, 7 HOURS, AND 42 MINUTES.”
FS: “Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services? That sounds pretty morbid. What does that mean?”
Blitzcrank: “THEY ARE ELECTABLE SERVICES AVAILABLE TO ALL CITIZENS OF VALORAN REGARDLESS OF CITY-STATE AFFILIATION WHICH WILL ASSIST FLESHLINGS IN THEIR ENDEAVORS TO MEET OTHER COMPATIBLE FLESHLINGS FOR COMPANIONSHIP, MATING, AND PROCREATIVE PURPOSES.”
FS: “You’re running… a dating service? At the risk of sounding presumptive and rude, what would a steam golem know about dating and love?”
Blitzcrank: “I HAVE BEEN STUDYING FLESHLINGS OF ALL TYPES AND DEVELOPED A SERIES OF EQUATIONS THAT CAN DETERMINE WITH 96.55% ACCURACY THE SHORT- AND LONG-TERM OUTCOMES OF ANY FLESHLING RELATIONSHIP.”
FS: “Wow, that’s amazing! How does it work?”
Blitzcrank: “USERS MUST REGISTER AT A PAIRING ELIGIBILITY REACTOR OF VALORAN WHERE THEY ARE REQUIRED TO COMPLETE A 748-ENTRY QUESTIONNAIRE DETAILING EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITIES. A THERMAL BODY SCANNER WILL AUTOMATICALLY GENERATE AND UPLOAD AN IMAGE OF THE USER DURING THE PROCESS. USING THE BLITZERNET, THE LOGICAL PROCESSING UNITS WILL THEN COMPARE THE RESULTS WITH ALL OTHER ELIGIBLE FLESHLINGS TO FIND APPROPRIATE MATCHES. USERS WILL RECEIVE THEIR MATCH’S CONTACT INFORMATION IF BOTH PARTIES AGREE THAT THEY WISH TO CONVERGE.”
FS: “I’m sold! 748 questions and a body scan are a small price to pay to avoid more psychotic necromancers. How much does it cost to sign up?”
Blitzcrank: “MINION LEVEL SERVICES INCLUDING REGISTRATION AND MATCH COMPATIBILITY RESULTS ARE FREE. USERS MAY PAY A FEE TO UPGRADE THEIR SERVICE TO SUPER MINION MEMBERSHIP GRANTING THEM PRIVILEGED ACCESS TO COMMUNICATE IN REAL-TIME OVER THE BLITZERNET. A LARGER FEE WILL UPGRADE A USER TO CHAMPION MEMBERSHIP, WHEREBY THEY CAN ACCESS TELEPORTATION PORTALS TO ENGAGE IN INSTANTANEOUS MATING WITH THEIR MUTUALLY-CONSENSUAL SELECTED PARTNERS.”
FS: “So have these services been successful so far?”
Blitzcrank: “THE CLOSED BETA PERIOD WAS LIMITED TO LEAGUE CHAMPIONS AND SUMMONERS AND RESULTED IN A 99.8% SURVIVAL RATE AMONGST ALL PARTICIPANTS. ONLY ONE FATALITY RESULTED FROM INCOMPATIBLE PAIRINGS. EVEN SEVERAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS WERE SUCCESSFULLY MATCHED AND REMAIN IN THEIR SUGGESTED RELATIONSHIP TYPES TO THIS DAY. EXAMPLES INCLUDE LEAGUE CHAMPION ASHE MATCHED WITH LEAGUE CHAMPION TRYNDAMERE, LEAGUE CHAMPION KATARINA MATCHED WITH LEAGUE CHAMPION GAREN, AND LEAGUE CHAMPION JANNA MATCHED WITH SUMMONER BOB NASHAHAGO.”
FS: “Wait, what?! I thought NIDALEE was dating Bob… Oh man, he’s gonna get clawed. Regardless, this sounds too good to be true. Sign me up!”
Blitzcrank: “YOU CANNOT REGISTER UNTIL THE SERVICES LAUNCH IN 6 DAYS, 7 HOURS, AND 39 MINUTES.”
So there you have it folks! In less than a week, you’ll be able to visit your local PERV and sign up for Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services. I know I’ll be at the front of the line, and I’m saving my money to upgrade to Champion Membership from the get go! Happy dating, Summoners!
Born Out of Necessity
Reira Kashuld commenting from the Institute of War
I love artifacts and armaments. I really, really do. In my hometown of the Kashuld Province in Ionia, there is no greater pride than our knowledge, love, and craft for artifacts. From the most basic to the most intricate of , the specs and methods of craft really set my heart aflutter. This is especially the case when considering a blade with as rich a history as the .
More often than not new weaponry is born out of necessity. Ridley and Hollow Armaments (R.H. Armaments), a weapons contractor based in the city-state of Noxus, has always remained a very stable business. This is mostly due to the good relationship they have with the city-state itself, whose contracts makes up more than 70% of the company’s revenue.
Fifteen years ago during the Noxian invasion of Ionia, the standard issue weapon for the frontline troops was the Conquest I Long Sword (the grandfather of thethat is used in the League today). Its popularity is owed to its rugged durability, ease of use, and low production cost for an iron weapon. The Conquest I Long Sword was so popular in its day that you could find one in nearly every Noxian household!
During the war, the Noxian forces encountered many problems when facing Ionian military units. This was in part because Ionian squads always contained at least one medical officer which gave Ionians an advantage in small skirmish situations. To match this, R.H. Armaments developed the Executioner’s Calling Long Sword (ECLS1).
The ECLS1 was not made entirely out of plain iron like the original Conquest I, but instead was forged of 82% Iron and 18% Scarlet Steel, which helped fuel the relentless attacks of the Noxian army. The blade itself was thinner and sturdier, allowing the wielder to precisely target the enemy’s vital points, this however came at the cost of overall heft and raw power.
The most interesting modification to the ECLS1 was a barbed hook at the very tip of the blade, which was used for tearing into enemies on each attack. This inflicted a very severe wound that was difficult for healers to mend, and caused progressive tissue damage well after the initial injury.
In response to this, the Ionian military changed their tactics and began to utilize more ranged, hit-and-run strategies to keep the Noxians at bay. This was when R.H. Armaments countered with the ECLS2 – a modified version of the ECLS1 with an eject-able barb at the end of the blade. With a simple flick of the wrist, experienced users can fire the barb at enemy targets from a distance. This “feature” was met with some contention, however, due to it requiring much more training to use effectively than the ECLS1.
The Arcanum Majoris approved the original ECLS1 for use in League matches, but they upgraded to the ECLS2 on February 24, 20 CLE last year. Currently the League uses the ECLS2-L (League) model, which was specifically commissioned by the Arcanum Majoris. The ECLS2-L features a slightly higher amount of scarlet steel, at the cost of a bit more weight. The result provides much more life-essence siphoning than the original.
The weapon itself is a joy to use. It has perfect 50-50 weight balance which is barely thrown off by ejecting the barb. The almost rapier-like shape of the blade offers unparalleled precision versus any other blade in its class. My only complaint is that the stock handle is shoddily molded and slippery.
The Executioner’s Calling Long Sword was a tide-turning weapon developed in a time of need. Although its ease-of-use is often put in question, it can be devastating in the hands of a skilled wielder. It works well in a situation where more “permanent” damage is necessary and will get the job done when used correctly. R.H. Armaments has not released any information on a third model yet, but I will be the first to bring you that information if and when it comes!
Gangplank Loses Coveted Prize to Miss Fortune
Newton Rook reporting from Bilgewater
As of early this morning, the famed Bilgewater GrugMug Grog Slog ended after an exhausting 6 hour final between League Champions Gangplank and Sarah Fortune. The coveted Grog Scab, a Bilgewater title awarded to the crafter of the most caustic drink known to Runeterrans, has been lost by the Saltwater Scourge for the first time in 15 years.
The GrugMug Grog Slog is a yearly competition amongst privateers looking to prove their mettle as the hardest drinkers on the high seas. Both grog-drinkers and grog-crafters alike convene at the GrugMug Tavern to crown the year’s best “Scab” and “Glug”. The Scab is awarded to the creator of the strongest, most corrosive grog, and the Glug is awarded to the hearty soul that can drink the most of it before requesting medical attention.
Historically, Gangplank has won the Scab title every year since he joined his father on the Dead Pool. He has won despite constant rumors of foul play ranging from bribery of the judges to illegal tampering with ingredients. To date, however, no official accusations have been levied. Last week, Mog “Shirt” Malloy, Grugmug proprietor, expressed his view on the matter: “Nobody will officially accuse the Scourge of cheating. Anybody who does just disappears quietly! The contest falls how the contest falls, no questions.”
This year, Sarah Fortune won the Scab title in an unexpected upset after several tense stages of caustic tests and analysis. Hundreds of Slog attendees waited breathlessly in the tavern for the final results as the contest neared its end.
The panel of judges, which included Journal of Justice reporter Captain Morgan Rackham, declared her the winner when her concoction melted completely through the pewter mug, table, and the floor. Gangplank’s recipe, however, stopped just short of eating through the floor, instead pooling in a steamy puddle upon the resin-coated floorboards.
Witnesses say that when the judges declared the winner, the room grew very quiet. Gangplank stood staring at the judges for a minute before he pulled out his gun and pointed it at one of his own men. Before he could fire, Sarah Fortune stepped in the way and offered him her grog supply if he would let the man live. “I can’t stand the stuff myself anyway,” she was overheard saying. After a lengthy pause, Gangplank un-cocked his gun and declared, “Bullets are getting costly lately,” then stormed out into the street with his men in tow.
We caught up with Malloy for comment on the surprising turn of events: “Cut me off at the knees and call me a yordle! I don’t think Gangplank has ever hesitated to kill his own men. I wonder if he’s getting soft? And the grog! Fortune must’ve cheated better than him somehow. I don’t know. I don’t see it, I don’t care.”
Speculation has run rampant on whether or not the Saltwater Scourge has turned a new leaf with his unprecedented restraint. Local bar patrons are already laying odds on which lasts shorter—Miss Fortune allowing herself to be called a “Scab”, or Gangplank being nice.
The Mailbag of Justice
Senior Summoner Ralston Farnsley commenting from the Institute of War
Today my thoughts go out to Bob Nashahago, who fled from the office when he saw that we decided to lead with the Blitzcrank dating article. Romances with female champions of the League of Legends often require finesse and courage; failing that, a good sense of when to run.
“I've been wondering for a while now, why was Veigar imprisoned in Noxus? What did he do to have to be sent there?” – coolkirby4
According to reports from Noxian authorities, Veigar was amongst “a handful” of yordles arrested for trading illegal goods in Noxus. The yordles claimed to be from a Bandle City trading organization, and they were brokering a deal with a Noxian when they were caught. Noxus isn’t renowned for its tolerance of yordles, though, so you might want to take those reports with a grain of salt.
“I have a question I would like answered by Katarina of Noxus regarding, and I quote ‘...In the future, Noxus would be willing to share the expert safety practices of Noxian mining operations with the other city-states working in Kalamanda.’ - Journal of Justice Issue 14: 26 January, 21 CLE
I'm curious what these "...expert safety practices of Noxian mining operations..." are? Surely it was a cheap jab at Demacia because of the cave-in. I have come to the conclusion that these practices would be something along the lines of putting collars on each Noxian citizen within a fairly large radius of the mining sites and leashing them to a pole and having them watched like rabid, ill-mannered dogs. So I ask you Katarina to address my personal conclusion of these practices you mentioned and what they really were? Also, refrain from talking about your city-state and/or its people for the duration of your reply, keep it to the mining practices you preached in the quote. I already know of your kind's tenuous grip on reality when you start thinking of your homeland.” – Seth Vortu
Wow, that’s a bold letter to send to one of Noxus’ most eminent assassins, Seth. Nonetheless, I delivered your query (at my own peril, I might add) to the Sinister Blade in person. She looked rather dejected when I found her, but to my surprise, this letter seemed to bring her great zeal.
“I do enjoy it when men like you draw lines in the sand, Mr. Vortu. There is nothing quite as satisfying as watching the smugness drain from your faces when you realize you’ve picked a fight you shouldn’t have. I did not offer our mining practices to you, and I will refrain from nothing. If we were to leash anyone to poles like dogs, we would not start with Noxians. Judging by your demeanor, I suspect I might have one of your family members lashed to a pole outside right now. If you would like to earn the privilege to learn about Noxian mining procedures, please visit the Du Couteau Manor and I will be certain you find your way to the mines.”
“I have often chosen Vladimir as my champion to do battle on the Fields of Justice, and I am filled with a morbid fascination regarding his transfusion...do individual champions have unique tasting blood? Does the dark blood of the Void from, say, Cho'Gath taste different from the chemical-laden blood of Singed? Which champion would you say is your ‘favorite’?” – RavenTessen
Your fascination is indeed morbid. That’s a question I would strongly prefer not to touch with a stick of any length. Vladimir seemed much more delighted with your interest.
“The thought of you there, fantasizing about the taste of blood, invigorates me. I do not drink it in the conventional sense; I use it and it fills me. Think of the relationship a cloud might have with water. However, what makes blood special is not its actual taste, but the flavor of the life force which infuses it. That life force is what I ‘taste’ when I use my craft. In this way the blood of Cho’Gath is as different from the blood of Singed as are the two champions themselves. Despite the many flavors, I could not choose a favorite. Variety, like blood, is the spice of life!”