Beatnik Doctor George Costanza


>taking my blogs seriously
I seriously hope you don't do this.

Blogs with this box at the top are jokes.
Don't take offense, okay?
Beatnik Doctor Beatnik Doctor 06:57, October 17, 2011 (UTC)

"Even as an Ionian, 'I have many times depended on the viability of Phantom Dancers." - Master Yi

"The Phantom Dancers are legendary items, viable on everybody."- Shauna Vayne

"I hate ghosts."- Amumu

The amazing Double Swords have been in use for years by the League’s champions. An empowering boon to your physical attacks and movement speed for catching up to enemies, what’s not to like? On AD carries, it is viable to the maaax! This is especially true for Tryndamere, who slaps shit on a daily basis.

But we all know that certain characters work well with critical strike chance. Especially Tryndamere! But what about Gangplank, with his Parrrley? What about Garen, with his Judgement! Ah, what about Garen, huh? That’s where this comes into play. It won’t hurt to get one or two Phantom Dancers, for the following reasons.

Garen is an amazing character that utilises his extremely high damage to deny and zone out enemy champions early-game, and to “kill-secure” late-game (take all the kills you can from your ranged carries!)

Beatnik Doctor Garen

Come on, you know you want your Garen to look like this.

Stacking Phantom Dancers is great for Garen! Many of his problems are alleviated simply by stacking Phantom Dancers, and this Professional and Proven article proves the undeniable power of Phantom Dancers!

Attack Speed

Hey, we all know the problem with AD casters. Once their spells go on cooldown, their source of damage is their autoattacks, and even then from stacking AD, your Attack Speed is low.
Not with Garen, however! Once you stack Phantom Dancers, your attack speed will always be extremely high!
Lots of autoattack damage ahoy! But wait!

Critical Strike Chance

Hey, you say, what about Attack Damage? If Garen is an AD caster, why not build AD?
You see...
Your Judgement can critically strike! Your most feared spell can critically strike! 210 base damage plus 140% of your bonus AD per second? How about 420 base damage plus 280% of your bonus AD per second? Not only that, but with 6 Phantom Dancers, you’ll have 180% Critical Strike Chance! You’ll doublecrit 80% of the time!
And since you’ll have so much Critical Strike chance, you’ll have no need for AD, seeing as critical strike chance ups your AD damage in the process!
But what’s the point of dealing lots of damage if you can’t catch up to your enemies?!

Movement Speed

We all know that Movement Speed is an important part Garen. It allows you to get within range of that pesky Tristana, or that annoying Master Yi. Decisive Strike helps out a bit, but what about slows? Especially...

Beatnik Doctor Ashe

As Garen, this person is your worst nightmare.

Damn that Ashe and her perky nipples! Even with Cleanse, her Frost Shot and Volley ensures that you’ll always be slowed, even with the 65% CC reduction for 3 seconds! Don’t even bother with Quicksilver Sash! She’ll fire slowing arrows at you while building Madred’s Bloodrazor, and having babies with Shauna Vayne so that the next champion has Permaslows AND True Damage per Maximum Health! What an atrocity! How can we stop Ashe?

Ashe’s autoattacks and Volleys slow victims by 35% for 2 seconds.

Using simple math, we can see that Decisive Strike, which increases your movement speed by 35%, will cancel that out! But you’re still left at 100% of movement speed! She’ll whittle you down to ZERO before you even touch her! That’s where Phantom Dancers come into play!

With 6 Phantom Dancers, you gain 90% additional Movement speed! So even if your Decisive Strike is on cooldown, you’ll always be able to run faster than Ashe! Take that, frosty-bitch!

Oh wait! What about your defenses?!

Defense (is for sissies)

With stacking 6 Phantom Dancers comes consequences. You’ll have no defensive items whatsoever.

However, you must go the road of Master Yi! Your speed will ensure that you can get in and out of battle! Logically, stacking Attack Speed will also increase your Judgement channeling speed! I’m pretty sure that’s how it works!

Master YiSquare

Wuju style, in Demacian flavor!

Need defenses?! Phooey! All you need is your 90% extra movement speed to ensure you survive! Be a Yi and dunk some nooblords! (Wriggle's Lantern and Boots of Mobility are for sissies too! Don't be a sissy!)


So as you can see, Phantom Dancers are viable to stack on Garen! Screw Ashe, screw weak autoattacks and screw defense! You just have to be a man!

Run at over 600 Movement Speed!
Critically strike on every hit!
Chase down Ashe with Judgement!

You’re Garen, the Jetplane Judgement!