Volume 1, Issue 4
FORMARE VENEFICIUS EST FORMARE FATUM
13 April, 23 CLE
Putting Frostbite to Injury Remastered
Frostguards, mistake or lie?
Turns out, my intuition is right. There is something fishy about the 'accident' of Tobias Drumm and Sironos.
Dr. Duran Lime, a doctor of Piltover status famous for finding the only cure of the deadly disease Methentysis, has volunteered to re-examine the two bodies. This request is ordered by none other than Sejuani herself, who last week we should know have been storming at my place of residence for an explanation of Sironos' death alongside Tobias. "It cannot be just a mere coincidence, they don't even know each other," she exclaimed.
A second analysis of the bodies procured this result:
Sironos. Freljordian. Died at the 4th of April 2013 between 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. Cause of death, suffocation. The victim's lungs show punctured holes in 5 different areas, yet the skin shows no cuts. The lungs are also damaged by extreme frostbite. Most of the alveoli sacs are ruptured due to Freljordian cold, which contradicts the amount of frostbite the exterior body has received.
Tobias. Freljordian. Died at the 4th of April 2013 between 12 a.m. to 2 a.m. Similar to Sironos, cause of death, suffocation. Once again, signs of puncture and frostbite on the lungs and a deep cut on the heart, but skin is unblemished. Ballistics tests show that the cuts are caused by frozen liquid shaped into a sharp object. Liquid is most likely water due to the crystalline formation created when water is freezing. This can only be possible through magic, but type of magic is unknown, I am not a wizard.
The autopsy results that was reported to most of the Freljordian population created another wave of shock. There is only one known person who can possibly do that - the Ice Witch.
The Winter's Claw has expressed their anger over the initial Frostguard report, that they died by falling from high ground, claiming that the Frostguard are hiding something. The Frostguard retaliated by claiming they do not even know the internal organs are damaged, because they did not even see any cuts from their bodies, which is also stated in Dr. Duran's report.
The conspiracy theorists on the other hand are having a field day writing more stories about the Freljord conspiracy currently happening now, with Nunu and his friend Willump happily joining in the bandwagon.
Another Normal Day in Bandle City
The Tiny Master of Evil wants to take over Valoran again
Ho-hum, summoners. Hippalus here taking about what Bandle City's going on now.
Just two days ago, Veigar has been sighted inside a large silver blimp, and has made the following announcement throughout Bandle City via an oversized megaphone installed to the blimp:
"Fear me now, my brethren, for I am now different! I am now more powerful! This time, I will not conquer the world alone, for I now have allies to serve me! Soon, all of Valoran will know of our alliance. Surrender, for the kingdom of the great and powerful Veigar will soon come, Muahahahah- Hey, don't you touch my microphone you little twat!"
"So where was I? Oh yes, Muahahahahahahahahahah! We'll meet again, my slaves!"
Right after the announcement, he fired a huge laser beam at the plaza. No injuries or deaths, the beam seems harmless, but apparently all the cupcakes within the beam's trajectory were disintegrated. Losses estimated to be around 3000 Aplets.
Young people these days sure are so full of energy and stamina, I can barely keep up.
Mysterious Thief Covets the Stone of Tecuhtli
Sheriff Caitlyn and Enforcer Vi are on the case
Good morning dear readers, Giacomo Conzenza here representing The City of Progress for this new version of The Journal of Justice. I’m quite excited to say the least about taking part on this on behalf of Piltover, let’ s hope things don’t go awry with it like last time.The Stone of Tecuhtli, for you who might not know, was discovered by Ezreal in the boundaries between the Kumungu and Plague Jungles. The rarity of archaeological evidence from the "Plague Cultures" as defined by experts on the field plus the extraordinary state of conservation of the artifact, makes The Stone of Tecuhtli one of the most prized artifacts of the museum’s collection. That’s why the curators of the museum were severely alarmed when a small card marked with an ornate 'C' was found this morning pinned on the gates of the museum bearing the following message on its flipside:
-Hello Piltover Museum. Tomorrow night, the Stone of Tecuhtli will be mine. Expect some company. Regards: 'C'
Upon hearing the news, Sheriff Caitlyn rushed to investigate the case along with her partner Vi confirmed it was in fact 'C', a mysterious cat burglar who she had been attempting to catch for quite a long time already. Upon being asked on whether this would finally be her chance to capture him, Caitlyn stated sternly: "I cannot guarantee anything yet, but we need to proceed with extreme caution and precision if we are to catch him. 'C' isn't just your everyday burglar, his heists have been big and he is confident enough to let you know he’s coming. That should tell you something." The duo was taken inside and into The Hall of The Plague Cultures to inspect the item they were to protect in greater detail, the curators were visibly nervous around Vi, fearing she would break something.
After surveying the room, Caitlyn set up a plan to keep watch and defend the museum during the night. I’m not allowed to report the plan in detail for obvious reasons, but I've been let known that other Champions from Piltover have volunteered to protect the museum - Ziggs, Jayce, Ezreal, Corki and Heimerdinger offered to assist. Other than Ziggs, who due to the obvious property damage that would happen should a fight occur, the rest are hired. The security systems inside and around the museum have been tightened up and because of these preparations against the heist, Piltover's Museum of Ancient History will be closed until further notice.
Vi showed to be rather nonchalant on the whole issue. "Before I got hired into the police force by Cupcake here, me and the gang never tried to steal anything from museums" Vi said. "Too much of a hassle for some useless old junk covered in dust, and, tell me, who would warn you in advance on what they’re going to steal anyways? This 'C' guy is either really good or really stupid. I wouldn't care either way as long as I get to give him a bit of the good old fashioned punch in the face greeting!"
Vi immediately gave me a noogie for no apparent reason after the declaration, which I was knocked out cold for six hours. As I await my discharge, I swear someone else should approach her for questions in the future...
Some Say the World Will End in Ice
Fire, Void, Zombies and Beer as well
Stories of Freljord are as satisfyingly chilly as my nearly-frozen bottle of Al Parte Brandy, well-preserved under my basement of wine, except for that one Bilgejack Daniel my dear Olivia broke, which I have only the energy to stare at the remains of the contents until it dries up completely, just so I can at least smell the taste.
So why are villains so insisted on taking over or ending the world? There's no profits, no benefits, no alcohol either. Ending the world is basically ending yourself as well. So, the point. Where is it? The lines they can pull out of their brains are cheesier than Fromage De Bleu Cognac, which is famously known for its cheesy-scented wine, a favourite of Cho'Gath.
The choice of ending the world isn't even original either. Ending the world in fire means there's no ice to chill my Al Parte Brandy to perfection; ending the world in ice means I can't drink anything except Blacktar Rum that doesn't freeze even at -35 degrees. Ending the world in nothing is the most classically dumb ending I can ever think of, it defies the Law of Conservation of Mass so hard my entire supply of beer would cause a Big Crunch sucking everything, including my secret bottle Demacian Whisky hidden in my kitchen sink. Ending in zombies is at least trying to be original, but where's the fun in that? Zombies don't eat and drink.
I'd say, if I had power, I would love to end this shoddy sad world right this instant, and the method of ending it would be alcohol. Isn't it wonderful? It's like Heaven, you can drink your favourite poison everyday, and watch as the lovely wildlife slowly dies under the blissful heavens that is Graggy Ice and Vessaria Vodka. I'm sure Gragas will agree with me. Now, I'm waiting for his Gragas VSOP rev 1.2 arriving right about now, he promised to give me a sample, the brew he makes are always exquisite. Briskes, signing out here of this dark and sad establishment.
The Mailbag of Justice Overhauled
Let's see which mails are lucky enough today!
Two mails this week, and they are pretty long.
This question is for Syndra. You are on of a pair of Ionian Champions who have thrown aside the traditional views of balance and harmony. The only other champion to have done this is Zed. Have you considered forming an alliance with him and his Order of Shadow? What about Varus? - Summoner GimmeStarfoxWii
So, I took this question to Syndra personally, and she benignly answered: "Yes, I have thought of it, silly fool. He has the correct vision, and has a potential to be a good ally, but our goals are different, allying with him wouldn't benefit him nor me. He and I knows it, so there's no point. Varus? He's a narrow, besotted fool who does not have a vision for the future. All he cared for is revenge against Noxus, and nothing else. The next time you ask another silly question like that, and I will make you taste my Dark Sphere before I answer." - Syndra
"As I was chewing on a deliciously sweet bean-paste treat after an offhand visit to Morgana at her confectionary cart while she was performing her rounds in Noxus, it occurred to me all of a sudden that I had also a few times before heard rumors of another League champion, Pantheon, once enthusing upon the idea of becoming a star baker as well. Indeed, I am mildly surprised that I do not recall this ever being brought up before. What does Pantheon have to say in light of these myths? Would he ever consider a partnership with Morgana if they were to turn out to be true?
As an aside note, I am interested that you still retain the authority to directly contact champions despite the Institute refusing to support any action taken by the Journal of Justice Overhauled. As a junior summoner, I am curious - is this is a privilege afforded to all senior summoners or are there some strings you may be pulling behind the scenes?" -- Summoner Shaw Fujikawa
At least this question shouldn't be as hard as asking Syndra, I hope.
"What myth? It's true. My dream occupation is to always be a baker. You know what they say in Rakkhor? Slaughter first, bake cakes later." said Pantheon with a straight face. It doesn't look like he's lying either. I then asked him the second question...
"No, I'm not going to partner with that woman. I'm a man, I do things myself. A Rakkhor warrior does not request help from others! A true man makes his own path, and those who succeed gains respect and honor from everyone else. Establishing a bakery is no different from fighting a glorious war." - Pantheon
As for that last question you directed to me, well... Why can't I? All champions have their personal lives, except for a select few. Being unofficial merely means we're not allowed to step into the Institute of War like any other normal people without permissions given in the first place. We're not allowed to go into the Vault and look at whatever they make either. It just means that, if anything happens to us, it's our fault, not the Institute of War, they will not help.
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