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I.H.T.C.A.I.C.L Part 2 - Corki

Snowdrake January 13, 2011 User blog:Snowdrake

I Hate This Champ And I Cannot Lie

CORKI - Small bearded guy from austria (probably)

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DISCLAIMER: Herp derp satire. If u no likey, u leavey. Cannot be arsed to write more legal-fu at the moment. Lots of fire and lighting of bushes below.

All things evil come in small packages. Things like fireants, a politicians genitalia and Veigar. Riot however has graced us with probably the most controversial champion of all times when they unleashed Corki unto the League. The designprocess probably went something akin to this:

A: Oi, let us create something really small! *laughter*
B: What? Like AIDS? You will never be able to put AIDS into this game. Anyway that would be totally unbalanced. Maybe.
A:Nah. I mean something like... like a... umm. Oh yeah like a midget squirrel.
B: A midget squirrel? And that is going to be a dangerous champion HOW EXACTLY?
A: Ah you know. Give him a moustache and a steel helmet, give him some awesome technology like a bomber aeroplane. Also make him look really constipated. Or angry. Or both.
B: Brilliant!

My standpoint is, that most of the people who could sue for copyrights here most likely died about 80 years ago.

So, we got a small yordle with an awesomestache and free access to warheads and a gatling gun. Thank god that all his weapons are also yordlesized or this would be a heck of an unfair champion to play. The reality looks more like this...

PASSIVE - Godwins Law - Each time Corki is using chat, there is a 25% chance of an automatic babelfish translation to german activating. If you are already writing in german, the bonus stacks. "I swear if anyone is going to leave ragequit, I am going to Schnitzel my Maschinengewehr into Bratwurst and Kraut! Freibier!"

Q - Phosph.. Phosf... Fosters... FIREBOMB - Deals AoE damage. Most importantly, this skill used to illuminate targets because phosphorus weapons have a nasty tendency to stick to flesh like glue and continue to burn with a close likeness to satans piss. Why the heck they didnt just name this skill NAPALM F-WORD YEAH and get it over with, I dunno. Whatever you do, never ever google "napalm" and "injury" at the same time.

W - Valk.. eeree. Meh. FIREJUMP - Leaves a shitton of burning forests and champions in your wake. Also, wheeeeeeeee!

E - (firing the) Gatling Gun - Push button, recieve bacon. The only thing more disappointing than the range of this skill is Corkis physical appearance. I mean, come on... Who the heck uses a gatling at 2 meters? Okay, using a gatling at a range where others are able to twiddle your knob actually sounds like fun. Still, Heimerdinger designed this and even his wrench can be thrown further than this piece of crap can shoot. Replace this with Tryndameres sword and you have about the same range. Quite possibly just a cleverly disguised gatling stapler.

R - FIRE ZE MISSILES! - I like big bombs and I cannot die! Lets have an excerpt from the official description: "will collide with the first enemy it hits". Awesome. At the exact moment in my life where I will aim and fire a missile at a nearby body, I will fully expect that this damn thing COLLIDES. I mean, goddamnit! The only other thing I *might* settle for would be if the missile rips a hole through the chest and hitting the next target right behind the first. Note to Corki, if your missiles suddenly stop colliding with the first target, youre doing it wrong. Also note that: "After dying, Corki will respawn with 4 missiles". Reincarnation is awesome but I have a hunch that Buddah does not approve of warheads.

At this point I am suspecting that Corki is actually a closet pyromaniac. Like a flying chicago fire waiting to happen. This is why Corki should always be played like a tank. Because greenpeace is going to sue your sorry arse off if his unlimited supply of napalm, bullets and rockets would unintentionally ignite, eradicating approximately 20% (+0.2% per basedamage) of the local flora and fauna. Bushes are our friends. Bushes hide Gragas while he poops.

I am never ever going to be rid of this mental image.

I hate this champ. Q.E.D.

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