I Hate This Champ And I Cannot Lie

GANGPLANK - Man I hate bears

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DISCLAIMER: This be strictly a parody, satire an' humor blog, all content herein ortin' ta be treated as such. If ye cannot be bothered t' giggle at least once durin' this text, ye be shot, sent t' th' fishes, an' shot again fer good measure.

Gangplank is able to shoot your own minions. No really. Read the last sentence again. Carefully. Now speak it out loud.

Twisted as it may be, playing alongside a Gangplank is usually more hazardrous for your physical wellbeing and sanity than trying to give batman a wedgie. This grogswilling son-of-a-beard can and will go kalashnikov on anything within sight. Basically, a common Gangplank has a certain creed he adheres to.

There is neither friend nor foe. Just viable targets. OH GOD TARGETS!

Coincidence that his eyes have a slight red sheen? Bullshit. Gangplank is the motherloving terminator!

Melee Minion? *BANG* Caster Minion? *BANG* Malzahars voidling? *BANG* Dragon? *BANG* Shacos christmas leftovers? *BANG* Teemos vegetables? *BANG* Tibbers? *clickclickclick* ... *reload* *BANG*

If it moves, it gets shot. If it doesnt move, it gets shot in case it might try moving soon.

Speaking of Tibbers... Annie and Gangplank are about as compatible as Taco Bell and no toiletpaper. The average life expectancy of the bear will be reduced through liberal raising of the team morale by an approximate factor of f*ck you i need a new rug. As a rule of thumb, every time Annie would be able to ace the enemy with Tibbers, your team will experience humiliating defeat. The kind of defeat that makes George Bush weep silently at night. If you would substitute Goldilocks with Gangplank, the fairytale would be over in 3 pages, it would be rated S for Satan and PETA would hold annual book burning contests.

PASSIVE - Ye olde booze sword - Waste of perfectly good grog. In case you want to brew your own grog, I have a rough list of ingredients from highly reputable sources:

Might or might not contain any or more of the following:

  1. kerosene
  2. propylene glycol
  3. sulphuric acid
  4. artificial sweeteners
  5. red dye no2
  6. rum
  7. acetone
  8. battery acid
  9. scumm
  10. axle grease
  11. and/or pepperoni

And yes, LeChuck is spinning in his grave right about now.

Q - Make Holes - *BANG*. Wrong skill though. This skills only reason for existence is earning gold fast enough to get enough items to support your morale raising spree. May or may not crit. The chances of doing a critical hit is exponentially related to how much life your target has - if the shot would do enough damage to kill someone, it will never crit. Will be used liberally to teach enemy players respect and not get too close to your primary target, Annie. Max this skill last.

W - Vegetarian Attack - If life hands you lemons, go ahead and shoot life in the face. Could involve grog.

E - Raise Enemy Morale - This skill is very similar to Make Holes, but this time you get to shoot the people you really want to shoot in the first place! A good Gangplank will max this skill ASAP and fill up with mana regeneration and cooldown reduction, because you NEVER EVER really run out of TIBB...TARGETS. See, contrary to the aforementioned skill, your teammates and your minions never try to run from you (until they learn better ofc). Also the minimap will be of invaluable help for hunting your Annie down or clean up Shacos mess. The way this skill operates means never having to buy a ward in your whole life.

R - Make Bigger Holes - In case of epeen shrinkage, this is what you whip out. (instead of the pistol you pervert) This is Gangplanks main farming skill and is accompanied by a horrible piercing scream. My best guess is that the crew is required to light the cannons by setting their pubes on fire and teabagging the cannon. It is the only explanation I can come up with. Despite what logic dictates, the cannonballs do no damage to the towers. I declare this skill gimped and demand that it should be replaced with a cow launcher.

For the love of god, I know that the League is a mashup of the deadliest and/or craziest champions ever, but Gangplank takes the cake. You do not under ANY circumstances arm sociopathic retards with semi-automatics. This is not a pirate, it is actually a bearhunting redneck. Is Gangplank just a stealthy attempt by RIOT to implement a new "harassment" gamemode or does he count as a handicap during matchmaking? Anyway, I need to stop writing. I just locked in and I can gleefully confirm that there is a small pyromanic girl in my team who insists on taking the mid lane.

Shiver me Tibbers!

Annie hates this champ. Q.E.D.