I Hate This Champ And I Cannot Lie
Garen - The Blight Of Demacia
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Ah screw that. Have a cookie.
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The sun played peek-a-boo behind the clouds casting temporal shadows across the field as the light would shift back in its place. The lake was still too cold for swimming in April, but the sun made the chill of the day fade. Their was a slight breeze that animated the trees and tall grass. Their favorite spot was beneath the willow tree. Sometimes in the Spring a sudden rain storm would come along and the three of them would simply sit beneath the willow and watch the raindrops dance across the surface of the lake. All of a sudden, Juliet was deafened by a thundering roar from her left. The bushes tore asunder under the terrible force from something resembling a vaguely human shaped tornado and it was accelerating. Fast. As the kids jumped up and started running in different directions at once, terrified and weeping, the armored giant was upon them like the reaper on crack in the middle of a wheatfield, realizing for the first time in his eternal existence what his scythe was good for and loving every minute of it.
Garen, the Tazmanian Devil of Demacia is somewhat of a mixed bag. His damage is roughly on par with Soraka, his tankyness is through the roof and his usefulness in a serious match is debatable. If you try to build Garen with a little bit of damage so that you are able to kill minions faster than an autoattacking Morgana, your team will tell you to stick it where the strawberries grow and go tank. If you build Garen as a tank, noone will be able to kill you, but noone needs to kill you as you are just about as threatening as a road sign. Birds crap on you, other champions mock you and your parents never liked you anyway. After the Sunfire nerf I believe there is no room for doubt left that people hate Garen so much, if he would donate a kidney to a terminally ill infant, the child would try to widdle on him and stab his face with a lego toy.
There is one thing that Garen excels at. Bushes and assorted shrubbery basically multiply a Garens DPS by a factor of three and a half. A Garen cleaving his way towards you from the foliage 1 step in front of you is generally regarded as "the-most-fucking-scariest-shit-ever(tm)" and will randomly cause loss of bladder control, turbocharged bowelmovement, weeping, or all of the above.
PASSIVE - Obelix syndrome - Garen fell into a cauldron with a magic healing potion when he was a baby. Because of this, he heals abnormally fast and sparkles a bit. Any similarities to other people who suck *coughEdwardcough* are purely coincidental. Since any kind of damage completely stops your regeneration, hemorrhoids and constipation are most likely Garens worst enemy.
Q - Hit someone really hard - Since Garen suffers from low damage, this is what you use to lasthit minions or run away. Technically the perfect answer to everything life throws at you. Hit everything with something. If it still moves, do the french maneuver. Usually activated out of combat to change bushes faster.
W - Balls of Steel - Because health regeneration is not enough to keep you alive, you need this to survive longer than 3 seconds after an enemy spots you. This is the opener of choice when out-of-brush (a.k.a. youre doing it wrong) and has added as an sadistic afterthought by Riot, because the only thing more fun than hurting Garen is hurting Garen LONGER. At least this skill will ensure that you can finish crying while getting ganked and throwing fluffy cotton balls as countermeasure.
E - Will it Blend? - Since Garen is as retarded as a stick, this is the best offensive move Garens skillset has to offer. Garen stops trying to hit stuff by waving his useless sword around and just tries to hit everything at once. Most of the damage you deal is psychological though, because Garen starts screaming upon activation. Any attempt to actually injure someone would require the victim to stand next to you for a good 5 seconds. Popular guides state that buying a Sunfire Cape practically DOUBLES your damage, and since Sunfire does a piddly 40 damage per second, this should give you a good idea of how dangerous Garen is. Inside a bush - HOLY MAMMARIES SOMETHING IS SCREAMING AND BURNING AND MOWING TOWARDS ME AAARGH! Outside a bush... not so much.
R - Divine Killsteal - Watch your teammates gank the shit out of someone. Charge in at the last moment and ulti him. Ignore the verbal diarrhea in teamchat and go buy more Warmogs.
The funny thing is, Garens little sister Lux deals more damage than Garen could ever do. Lux has more survivability, more utility and deals at least triple the damage over a longer range than Garen. Pisspoor damage and design currently make Garen one of the worst champions in the League. If Riot ever releases a map without bushes, they might as well remove him from the selection screen.
I really really want a naked Garen skin though. I will love him and feed him and call him Meatspin. <3
We hate Garen. Q.E.D.